so i invited a friend to the poetry reading i was attending tonight, though i know that most people would rather slit their wrists than listen to poets talking about wanting to slit their wrists. you can't blame 'em, really...
***
last night was fun - shinny with Alana, Jason and most of the Tabarruk crew and others. i was even an ok defence chick, once i stopped being scared of the big bundled bodies hurtling toward me. or the puck. or the ice. heh. by next year, i hope to learn how to stop on skates (now that i have the forward propulsion part of skating down). then we'll win, you wait and see.
***
she's telling me how she doesn't like her husband's "Prokofiev version of Exodus" (yea, the bob marley song), and i have to smirk appreciatively: i love how sophisticated my also very fun friends are!
***
so i watched superman this morning (recent gift from a friend who's turned her back on VHS - oh how pathetic are we, the few remaining VHS-watching losers). already by this evening i'm a tinge obsessed: shit that christopher reeve was a handsome fella. i joke with alana that i've worn the heavy eye make-up as a subconscious way of mimicking lois lane and finding my own superman. some laughter and slinging clevers and then i say i've decided i'm going to leap off a building so that as i fall, fall, superman can come and catch me and fall in love with me. but then i realize i've limited myself, and i could never off myself that way - because she'd remember laughing at this conversation, and somehow it would haunt her.
***
skating on sunday in nathan phillips square - a gorgeous way to round off my "Tabarruk weekend!" see, there's a stage set up at one end of the rink, and bands (like Tabarruk) played the weekend away. yea, neat idea hunh. like a roller skating rink (remember those!?), only cooler (pardon the unavoidable pun).
Monday, January 31, 2005
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
oh the conundrum!
i have memories of my mom urging me, even in my earliest adolescence, to don moisturizer and battle those pesky signs of aging. i remember my haughty disdain for the animal-tested ridiculousness of it all. "i hope," i remember saying, "that by the time i start to wrinkle, i'll have long gone beyond all that superficial bullshit."
and oh - i still believe this. whole-heartedly. and for the most part, i really don't give a fuck.
but...
the other night i looked down at my dry hands and realized they are most definitely in their earliest proto-phases of becoming my grandfather's hands. i don't remember very much about my grandfather, but i remember we didn't really get along. and i remember this one discussion we had when i was about 12. we were talking about vigilantes, and he began to rant. he was in general a very pompous man, and this was never more obvious then when he rode his moral high horse. i spoke of social inequity, and how the police did not, in fact, serve all equally. (how did i know that already?) and though i didn't have the words to identify it, i rebelled against his right-wing blindness. he spoke upper-middle faith, and i just spoke out.
and, well... i do not want this man's hands.
oh the conundrum!
and oh - i still believe this. whole-heartedly. and for the most part, i really don't give a fuck.
but...
the other night i looked down at my dry hands and realized they are most definitely in their earliest proto-phases of becoming my grandfather's hands. i don't remember very much about my grandfather, but i remember we didn't really get along. and i remember this one discussion we had when i was about 12. we were talking about vigilantes, and he began to rant. he was in general a very pompous man, and this was never more obvious then when he rode his moral high horse. i spoke of social inequity, and how the police did not, in fact, serve all equally. (how did i know that already?) and though i didn't have the words to identify it, i rebelled against his right-wing blindness. he spoke upper-middle faith, and i just spoke out.
and, well... i do not want this man's hands.
oh the conundrum!
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
the nature of nature
in a discussion, someone gushed "nature is beautiful!" ignoring the desire to critique the girlish naiveté and cliché-ness of it all, my mind was instead instantly flooded with inumerable images of carnage. nature isn't beautiful, it's honest. it's brutal.
and the slideshow of horror played itself out in my brain; yet i contemplated the millions of images and examples i'd been spared.
and the slideshow of horror played itself out in my brain; yet i contemplated the millions of images and examples i'd been spared.
Monday, January 24, 2005
the best sleep
so i had one of those nights. you know those nights where you occasionally catch yourself being mostly conscious, and wonder if you'd actually slept at all, or been lying there in a half-fog for hours? yea, one of those. although i know i did sleep, because the dreams were vivid. i'd watched last night er.. last night, which if you don't know is a brilliant movie. especially given when it came out, it was like the canadian response to armageddon. see, in last night, there's no bruce willis or big ol' holly jolly american government to save the world. there's just the end of the world (left undefined and vague for those late night, wine-soaked musings), and how people are coping with it. a little off-beat, and featuring my all-time favourite canadian actor. (if you have to be told it's callum keith rennie, you really haven't been paying attention, have you!? heh.)
my dreams... wow. a lot of tears and discussed fears. and sun. and a giant kite that i trailed behind me as i rode my bike with my nephew jake - until it threatened to get tangled in the electrical wires, and i just let it fly off. and oh the wonderdawg came for a brief visit too, and i rubbed his belly and chin and held him so tight. he was dirty, as though he'd been playing in the dirt on dog hill in high park... and my family - they were all there too. we spent a fair bit of time driving around for some reason. and at this one point, i was in the car with my mom waiting for my sister, and i was in the back seat but curled around into the front seat in a most peculiar angle. and perhaps i looked like i was curled up and napping cuz a fella ran by, tapped the window and cried out "don't sleep now, it's the last day of the world!"
maybe my family would feel special to know that in my dreams anyway, i'd spend the last day on earth with them? though given that one lives in montreal, one in toronto, and the rest on vancouver island, and we don't get along so fabulously well - maybe that one's best saved for the dreams.
and then a little over an hour before my alarm was going to nudge me into my daily grind, i found myself 100% alert. breathe, i told myself. breathe and try your little "99 bottles of beer on the wall" trick and if you do it just right and fall asleep in the next 5 minutes, you'll get a full rem cycle in.
no dice.
no dice until probably 20 minutes before my alarm went off. meaning the deepest, cosiest, best sleep i enjoyed all night was in the 20 minutes before the alarm went off, and in the several 10-minutes-of-SNOOZE i treated myself to afterwards.
bleurgh.
my dreams... wow. a lot of tears and discussed fears. and sun. and a giant kite that i trailed behind me as i rode my bike with my nephew jake - until it threatened to get tangled in the electrical wires, and i just let it fly off. and oh the wonderdawg came for a brief visit too, and i rubbed his belly and chin and held him so tight. he was dirty, as though he'd been playing in the dirt on dog hill in high park... and my family - they were all there too. we spent a fair bit of time driving around for some reason. and at this one point, i was in the car with my mom waiting for my sister, and i was in the back seat but curled around into the front seat in a most peculiar angle. and perhaps i looked like i was curled up and napping cuz a fella ran by, tapped the window and cried out "don't sleep now, it's the last day of the world!"
maybe my family would feel special to know that in my dreams anyway, i'd spend the last day on earth with them? though given that one lives in montreal, one in toronto, and the rest on vancouver island, and we don't get along so fabulously well - maybe that one's best saved for the dreams.
and then a little over an hour before my alarm was going to nudge me into my daily grind, i found myself 100% alert. breathe, i told myself. breathe and try your little "99 bottles of beer on the wall" trick and if you do it just right and fall asleep in the next 5 minutes, you'll get a full rem cycle in.
no dice.
no dice until probably 20 minutes before my alarm went off. meaning the deepest, cosiest, best sleep i enjoyed all night was in the 20 minutes before the alarm went off, and in the several 10-minutes-of-SNOOZE i treated myself to afterwards.
bleurgh.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
well, they asked...
well, i've gotten 2 of these in the recent last bit, so i guess they're all the rage again. oh goody. so before you send me yours, desperate to know all about me, here it all is for your dining pleasure. (oh, and incase you're wondering why the numbers are wonky, i deleted the n/a (who's most likely to respond...) and fused the two.)
1. First name: kaen
2. Were you named after anyone?: my great-grandmother kathleen (who incidentally was not irish, but first nations)
3. Do you wish on stars?: all the time
4. When did you last cry?: about 20 minutes ago
5. Do you like your handwriting:? yes - especially when i'm drunk, when it's at its most honest and confused (like me)
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? (shrug)
7. What is your birth date:? may 6 (zip it you...)
8. What is your most embarrassing CD: this would be so much more embarrassing if it was about my tapes! cd? hm... i guess the grease soundtrack.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you: yep
10. Are you a daredevil: not with bikes or what have you, just with my heart
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell:? not that i can remember, and it doesn't seem like something i'd do
12. Do looks matter:? you should see some of the guys i've dated or crushed on!! an ex was actually doubting his good looks, upon seeing pics of some of the people i've dated - silly monkey
13. How do you release anger:? i start by raging in my head (which sometimes gets transferred to paper or screen), then i cry, then i hide
14. Where is your second home: where's my first home?
15. Do you trust others too easily?: yep
16. What was your favourite toy as a child:? wow, i can't remember. i know i had fashion plates and loved them. i have a picture of me lovingly cradling a chewbacca doll, and i continue to have a special fondness for wookies. but you know, it was probably my pillow. my pillow was my favouritest of all inanimate things and it diverted me much as a "toy" would...
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless: interesting question... i guess i could answer with the one i've not really used, math, but i think even a basic introduction to the one language all humans can speak is very very valuable, even if we're too stupid to appreciate math for all its power and beauty
18. Do you have a journal:? sort of
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot ? no, *never*
20. Favourite movie(s)? you're out of your tree if you think i can answer this question - just look at the mess i made of it in my profile...
21. What are your (acceptable) nicknames: never really had any, but a friend called me "shug" for a while - cleverly playing up the "sugar cane" thing as well as "meshugenah" which means crazy. i loved it...
22. Would you bungee jump:? if you gave me a good back (and the cash to pay for it), i'd definitely try it
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off: i wear garrison boots - it'd be impossible not to. when i do occasionally wear sneakers, i don't untie them when i take them off, which irritates me, cuz i like them snug, meaning i always have to untie them before putting them back on. surely one of many reasons why i don't wear them much.
24. Do you think that you are strong:? as in body? yea, pretty much. as in soul? only sometimes.
25. What is your favourite ice cream flavour: don't really like ice cream, but when i do it's classic vanilla (i know, whoda thunk it)
26. Shoe size:? 7-8ish, and why the fuck would you care? gawd some of these questions...
27. What are your favourite colours:? thought it was blue once when i spent time contemplating such things, and maybe it was, but i tend to see a lot of red in my wardrobe. and hair. and accessories. that and black of course, though yea yea, it's not a colour.
28. What is your least favourite thing about yourself: my teeny weeny self-esteem
32. What are you listening to right now: my fingers tapping away, my colleagues working over their lunch breaks, the ventilation system pumping us with recycled life bits
33. Last thing you ate:? free lunch, yea baby. sammiches and salad, simple but effective.
34. If you were a crayon what colour would you be?: christ, you sound like my fucking therapist (just kidding - i can't actually afford a therapist, though lately i suspect i could make very good use of one)
35. What is the weather like right now:? snowing and blistering - ahh winter.
36. Last person you talked to on the phone:? it's scary that i can't remember this...
37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex:? opposite sex? heterocentric much?? boys or girls, men or women, i'm a sucker for lips.
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yep - otherwise i woulda deleted it!
40. Favourite Drink: booze - these days, in the form of lager
41. Favourite sport: i remember once liking tennis, and i was a puck bunny back in the day, but have not specifically or dedicatedly watched any given sport in a very long time. oh, but i *do* love british football announcers, they crack me up.
42. Hair Colour:? at the tips: faded black with red streaks, at the (now very long) roots, dark brown with a fabulous family of greys near the crown that i love very much. which is why i still haven't re-dyed my hair.
43. Eye Color?: dark brown
44. Do you wear contacts:? nope
45. Favourite Food?: greasy and bad for me - probably french fries
46. Last Movie:? donnie darko
47. Favourite Day of the Year: don't have one. birthday i guess, both solstices tend to be fun, stat holidays are often very enjoyable, new year's eve was fan-fucking-tastic. fuck i dunno...
48. Scary Movies or Happy Endings:? they're both bullshit
49. Summer or winter:? winter, but fall's my favourite
50. Hugs or kisses:? i'm a sucker for smooching. a great line from trout stanley: "i believe in kissing for days." mmmm, smooching.
51. What is Your Favourite Dessert: ? creme brulee
54. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation: brazil for carnival (you know, in case i trip on a large bag of loot in the next few days...)
55. What Books are you Reading?: bones, by elaine dewar - about the peopling of the americas
56. What's on your mouse pad: tiger print (it was fuzzy 5 years ago when i bought it - a little ragged now though)
57. What did you Watch Last Night on TV: don't have a tv, wasn't home
58. Favourite Smells:? wow, interesting question... the ocean i guess. oh no no no - duh! pot. definitely pot.
59. Rolling Stones or Beatles? the beatles, when they got all trippy
60. Do you believe in Evolution or Creationism:? evolution
61. What's the furthest you've been away from home?: athens - when i was in vancouver, but i guess now that i'm in toronto, it would be tokyo? oh the semantics...
4. Mother's name? Nicole (Nikki)
5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? i don't think there were any - were there? oh no wait, i think there was one. well, i was with friends in vancouver and celebrated my birthday early, which is number 31.
6. Date that you regularly blow them out? heh, you said blow
7. Pets? only in memory, with a solemn and loving nod to the Wonderdawg...
9 (a) Tattoos? yup (4, 5 if you count the one that's been redesigned and covered up)
(b) Body piercing? yup (9 - 12 was the most i ever sported at once)
10. How much do you love your job - scale of 1 to 10? these days? minus 3.
11. Birthplace? montreal
12. Favourite vacation spot? not glamorous (or wealthy) enough to have "a favourite"
13. Ever been to Africa? nope, but i'd like to...
14. Stolen any traffic signs? what a random question! and i actually have to say yes! remember, miranda? shit that was funny...
16. Croutons or Bacon bits? are you sick of the retarded questions yet?
17. 2 Door or 4 Door car? bicycle or the "32-window limo" baybee
18. Red Wine or White Wine: red
19. Favourite Pie: beaver
20. Favourite Number? dunno really... 22 i guess, mostly cuz someone once said it was important in numerology, and it keeps popping up lately...
23. Favourite Holiday? solstice
25. Favourite day of the week? lately, it's been "shop thursdays" but i guess saturdays, cuz i can sleep in *and* stay up late with no repercussions
26. Favourite brand of clothing? brand? hahahahahahahahahahaha
28. Favourite Music artist? oof, as with the movie question, just look at the sad job i did of that in my profile...
29. Most recently read book? love is a dog from hell, charles bukowski
30. Perfume/Cologne? when i have it, i wear it. chanel #5 - a classic for good reason
32. What do you do to relax? see #58 (above)
34. When was your last hospital visit? may 20, 2004
35. How do you see yourself in 10 years? a vital and exciting playwright who entertains and challenges the ideologies of international audiences.
36. What do you do when you are bored? bored? what's that!?
37. What presents do you enjoy receiving? i can't think of any that i haven't loved getting.
1. First name: kaen
2. Were you named after anyone?: my great-grandmother kathleen (who incidentally was not irish, but first nations)
3. Do you wish on stars?: all the time
4. When did you last cry?: about 20 minutes ago
5. Do you like your handwriting:? yes - especially when i'm drunk, when it's at its most honest and confused (like me)
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? (shrug)
7. What is your birth date:? may 6 (zip it you...)
8. What is your most embarrassing CD: this would be so much more embarrassing if it was about my tapes! cd? hm... i guess the grease soundtrack.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you: yep
10. Are you a daredevil: not with bikes or what have you, just with my heart
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell:? not that i can remember, and it doesn't seem like something i'd do
12. Do looks matter:? you should see some of the guys i've dated or crushed on!! an ex was actually doubting his good looks, upon seeing pics of some of the people i've dated - silly monkey
13. How do you release anger:? i start by raging in my head (which sometimes gets transferred to paper or screen), then i cry, then i hide
14. Where is your second home: where's my first home?
15. Do you trust others too easily?: yep
16. What was your favourite toy as a child:? wow, i can't remember. i know i had fashion plates and loved them. i have a picture of me lovingly cradling a chewbacca doll, and i continue to have a special fondness for wookies. but you know, it was probably my pillow. my pillow was my favouritest of all inanimate things and it diverted me much as a "toy" would...
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless: interesting question... i guess i could answer with the one i've not really used, math, but i think even a basic introduction to the one language all humans can speak is very very valuable, even if we're too stupid to appreciate math for all its power and beauty
18. Do you have a journal:? sort of
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot ? no, *never*
20. Favourite movie(s)? you're out of your tree if you think i can answer this question - just look at the mess i made of it in my profile...
21. What are your (acceptable) nicknames: never really had any, but a friend called me "shug" for a while - cleverly playing up the "sugar cane" thing as well as "meshugenah" which means crazy. i loved it...
22. Would you bungee jump:? if you gave me a good back (and the cash to pay for it), i'd definitely try it
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off: i wear garrison boots - it'd be impossible not to. when i do occasionally wear sneakers, i don't untie them when i take them off, which irritates me, cuz i like them snug, meaning i always have to untie them before putting them back on. surely one of many reasons why i don't wear them much.
24. Do you think that you are strong:? as in body? yea, pretty much. as in soul? only sometimes.
25. What is your favourite ice cream flavour: don't really like ice cream, but when i do it's classic vanilla (i know, whoda thunk it)
26. Shoe size:? 7-8ish, and why the fuck would you care? gawd some of these questions...
27. What are your favourite colours:? thought it was blue once when i spent time contemplating such things, and maybe it was, but i tend to see a lot of red in my wardrobe. and hair. and accessories. that and black of course, though yea yea, it's not a colour.
28. What is your least favourite thing about yourself: my teeny weeny self-esteem
32. What are you listening to right now: my fingers tapping away, my colleagues working over their lunch breaks, the ventilation system pumping us with recycled life bits
33. Last thing you ate:? free lunch, yea baby. sammiches and salad, simple but effective.
34. If you were a crayon what colour would you be?: christ, you sound like my fucking therapist (just kidding - i can't actually afford a therapist, though lately i suspect i could make very good use of one)
35. What is the weather like right now:? snowing and blistering - ahh winter.
36. Last person you talked to on the phone:? it's scary that i can't remember this...
37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex:? opposite sex? heterocentric much?? boys or girls, men or women, i'm a sucker for lips.
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yep - otherwise i woulda deleted it!
40. Favourite Drink: booze - these days, in the form of lager
41. Favourite sport: i remember once liking tennis, and i was a puck bunny back in the day, but have not specifically or dedicatedly watched any given sport in a very long time. oh, but i *do* love british football announcers, they crack me up.
42. Hair Colour:? at the tips: faded black with red streaks, at the (now very long) roots, dark brown with a fabulous family of greys near the crown that i love very much. which is why i still haven't re-dyed my hair.
43. Eye Color?: dark brown
44. Do you wear contacts:? nope
45. Favourite Food?: greasy and bad for me - probably french fries
46. Last Movie:? donnie darko
47. Favourite Day of the Year: don't have one. birthday i guess, both solstices tend to be fun, stat holidays are often very enjoyable, new year's eve was fan-fucking-tastic. fuck i dunno...
48. Scary Movies or Happy Endings:? they're both bullshit
49. Summer or winter:? winter, but fall's my favourite
50. Hugs or kisses:? i'm a sucker for smooching. a great line from trout stanley: "i believe in kissing for days." mmmm, smooching.
51. What is Your Favourite Dessert: ? creme brulee
54. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation: brazil for carnival (you know, in case i trip on a large bag of loot in the next few days...)
55. What Books are you Reading?: bones, by elaine dewar - about the peopling of the americas
56. What's on your mouse pad: tiger print (it was fuzzy 5 years ago when i bought it - a little ragged now though)
57. What did you Watch Last Night on TV: don't have a tv, wasn't home
58. Favourite Smells:? wow, interesting question... the ocean i guess. oh no no no - duh! pot. definitely pot.
59. Rolling Stones or Beatles? the beatles, when they got all trippy
60. Do you believe in Evolution or Creationism:? evolution
61. What's the furthest you've been away from home?: athens - when i was in vancouver, but i guess now that i'm in toronto, it would be tokyo? oh the semantics...
4. Mother's name? Nicole (Nikki)
5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? i don't think there were any - were there? oh no wait, i think there was one. well, i was with friends in vancouver and celebrated my birthday early, which is number 31.
6. Date that you regularly blow them out? heh, you said blow
7. Pets? only in memory, with a solemn and loving nod to the Wonderdawg...
9 (a) Tattoos? yup (4, 5 if you count the one that's been redesigned and covered up)
(b) Body piercing? yup (9 - 12 was the most i ever sported at once)
10. How much do you love your job - scale of 1 to 10? these days? minus 3.
11. Birthplace? montreal
12. Favourite vacation spot? not glamorous (or wealthy) enough to have "a favourite"
13. Ever been to Africa? nope, but i'd like to...
14. Stolen any traffic signs? what a random question! and i actually have to say yes! remember, miranda? shit that was funny...
16. Croutons or Bacon bits? are you sick of the retarded questions yet?
17. 2 Door or 4 Door car? bicycle or the "32-window limo" baybee
18. Red Wine or White Wine: red
19. Favourite Pie: beaver
20. Favourite Number? dunno really... 22 i guess, mostly cuz someone once said it was important in numerology, and it keeps popping up lately...
23. Favourite Holiday? solstice
25. Favourite day of the week? lately, it's been "shop thursdays" but i guess saturdays, cuz i can sleep in *and* stay up late with no repercussions
26. Favourite brand of clothing? brand? hahahahahahahahahahaha
28. Favourite Music artist? oof, as with the movie question, just look at the sad job i did of that in my profile...
29. Most recently read book? love is a dog from hell, charles bukowski
30. Perfume/Cologne? when i have it, i wear it. chanel #5 - a classic for good reason
32. What do you do to relax? see #58 (above)
34. When was your last hospital visit? may 20, 2004
35. How do you see yourself in 10 years? a vital and exciting playwright who entertains and challenges the ideologies of international audiences.
36. What do you do when you are bored? bored? what's that!?
37. What presents do you enjoy receiving? i can't think of any that i haven't loved getting.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
découragée en esti
c'est juste que des fois je me sens découragée. j'me demande c'est quoi l'esti d'point? 'me semble que les seules personnes qui entendent sont ceux qui savent déjà de quoi que je parle. alors je me dis que j'ai fini avec cette crisse d'histoire d'essayer! de défier! d'inspirer! ça me fatigue et j'en ai marre des crisse d'innocents qui couvrent cette planète avec leur ignorance. qu'ils aillent dont tous chier.
(grand soupir)
ne t'en fais pas - ça va passer, ça passe toujours. quelques jours très silencieux, et puis je reprends ma vigueur et mon optimisme...
(grand soupir)
ne t'en fais pas - ça va passer, ça passe toujours. quelques jours très silencieux, et puis je reprends ma vigueur et mon optimisme...
Monday, January 17, 2005
old scraps of half-thoughts
well, i'm scratching away at the last sad pages of my notebook. and so before it's all filled up and no longer follows me on my daily grind, i thought i'd flip through it and resurrect the old scraps of half-thoughts for you...
***
i think i'm a little bit in love with the character the piano man plays. smoky, absurd, distant. flesh, blood and brandy. pity that isn't who he really is.. but despite this - even though i know he sips apple juice, not whiskey, the fact is i can't stop writing every time i hear him play. he sparks that deep uncertain part of my spirit, rubs up against the flint of my disquiet and lulls me to write, write. and i guess even if he isn't his persona, i can forgive him and still love him a little.
***
my instincts are crying GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM! but i WILL. NOT. LISTEN. i'm actually vehemently resisting, and why?? because when we're not trapped in the riddle of "us" - when we can just be and do together, it's so so nice and natural and leaves me feeling happy and charged. like glacier spring water sucked through chapped and bleeding fingers at the top, finally, of the climbed rock. that cold. that hard-earned. that gratifying.
***
oh comfortable self-obsession, oh unchallenging drama. sinking into the couch of my tedium instead of living, doing. stupid lure.
***
we're sitting, drinking vodka.
"too strong," he sighs, stumbling through the phrase and dismissively sliding the glass over to me. "let's trade."
i sip and slip into my best white trash impersonation, "ya call this strong? i danno what the hell yur tawkin about, there isn't even any damned vadka in 'ere!!" we laugh.
"was that good?" i ask. "i was going for the bukowski thing."
"yea, that was really good actually."
"oh good. i need to get some practice, since it's who i'm going to be when i grow up..."
we chuckle and take lazy drags from our cigarettes, fondling the sweating tumblers.
***
the lake lies snoring under the weather, a dust of dew making everything smoky. this is how the shop looks. this is how my memory looks.
***
i'm walking up the street and this man catches my eye. a big, sloppy smile spreads across his face (holy sibiliance batman! -seriously unconscious. heh) he smiles heartily and i smile back.
one step.
two steps.
"excuse me, miss!"
i turn, because i'm hoping he's going to tell me about some astronomical phenomenon, like a comet that will only be seen tonight - this cool, clear-skied night. but he just asks for a smoke. and then turns it down when i tell him they're menthol. it seems beggars can be choosers...
***
i'm writing about myself in the third person, who talks to herself in the second person.
***
***
i think i'm a little bit in love with the character the piano man plays. smoky, absurd, distant. flesh, blood and brandy. pity that isn't who he really is.. but despite this - even though i know he sips apple juice, not whiskey, the fact is i can't stop writing every time i hear him play. he sparks that deep uncertain part of my spirit, rubs up against the flint of my disquiet and lulls me to write, write. and i guess even if he isn't his persona, i can forgive him and still love him a little.
***
my instincts are crying GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM! but i WILL. NOT. LISTEN. i'm actually vehemently resisting, and why?? because when we're not trapped in the riddle of "us" - when we can just be and do together, it's so so nice and natural and leaves me feeling happy and charged. like glacier spring water sucked through chapped and bleeding fingers at the top, finally, of the climbed rock. that cold. that hard-earned. that gratifying.
***
oh comfortable self-obsession, oh unchallenging drama. sinking into the couch of my tedium instead of living, doing. stupid lure.
***
we're sitting, drinking vodka.
"too strong," he sighs, stumbling through the phrase and dismissively sliding the glass over to me. "let's trade."
i sip and slip into my best white trash impersonation, "ya call this strong? i danno what the hell yur tawkin about, there isn't even any damned vadka in 'ere!!" we laugh.
"was that good?" i ask. "i was going for the bukowski thing."
"yea, that was really good actually."
"oh good. i need to get some practice, since it's who i'm going to be when i grow up..."
we chuckle and take lazy drags from our cigarettes, fondling the sweating tumblers.
***
the lake lies snoring under the weather, a dust of dew making everything smoky. this is how the shop looks. this is how my memory looks.
***
i'm walking up the street and this man catches my eye. a big, sloppy smile spreads across his face (holy sibiliance batman! -seriously unconscious. heh) he smiles heartily and i smile back.
one step.
two steps.
"excuse me, miss!"
i turn, because i'm hoping he's going to tell me about some astronomical phenomenon, like a comet that will only be seen tonight - this cool, clear-skied night. but he just asks for a smoke. and then turns it down when i tell him they're menthol. it seems beggars can be choosers...
***
i'm writing about myself in the third person, who talks to herself in the second person.
***
a delicate balance
the delicate art and balance of beer and pot.
the pot inspires just enough inhibition to make you look inward and see yourself; and the beer strips away just enough inhibition to make you share it all with everyone.
the pot inspires just enough inhibition to make you look inward and see yourself; and the beer strips away just enough inhibition to make you share it all with everyone.
Friday, January 14, 2005
easy like a sunday morning
(quick aside, i absolutely LOVE the faith no more version of easy like a sunday morning. check it out if you haven't already...)
i'm lost in a day of blessedly mind-numbed tasks after a beautifully but excruciatingly full week. i've gone out every night this week, and it's been all about theatre. without getting into it too much, cuz that's not what i felt like blathering about, i have seen two really good (dare i say great? yes! great i say, GREAT!) plays. if you're in toronto and are into the theatre thing, i absolutely recommend little dragon at theatre passe muraille and trout stanley at factory theatre. absolutely spectacular.
so back to my brain, fuzzy wuzzy brain. i'm smiling stupidly, glazed-eyed and doe-souled, imagining what i wish i could be doing this sunday.
i'll wake up lazily, deep into the morning. out of respect for my schedule, the sky will have spent the morning showering its onlookers, ready finally to don its sun dress as i awake and open the curtains. as i look out onto the still-shiny streets, i'll almost hear the trees and sky breathing a sigh of relief as they towel themselves off, fresh and awake. i'll glide over to the radio and set it to the Q for some psychedelic sunday action, which i've become a little addicted to. who knew there was a psychedelic rocker lurking deep within me? ok, so it's not that much of a stretch...
after a long hot shower (highlighted by a soulful rendition of Kaen's Shower Favourites - now available on k-tel records), i'll gather some essentials and prepare to meet my friend (who as of yet doesn't actually exist - not this particular friend anyway) at some tiny restaurant. somewhere i don't even know about yet, with walls draped in textured wallpaper and grease and populated by smiling, toothless patrons. we'll eat too much food for too little money, and talk about cognitive liberty and the power of hope. we'll make jokes about pop culture while slurping down thick milkshakes. we'll sink into quiet reverie as we gaze at the lumbering traffic.
bellies distended and minds expanded - however slightly on this slow sunday, we'll stroll over to his place. see, he'll have an extensive neil young music collection that i'll be as anxious to discover as he'll be to share. the walk will be quiet as he tries to pick which songs he'll start with, and in which order he'll allow neil to seduce my senses. see, i've never been a neil young fan. not that i disliked him! in fact i've always hated the song "sweet home alabama" (despite its admittedly killer riff) because it insults neil young in favour of redneck ignorance. (grumble grumble) i've just never really listened to all that much neil. well, since stumbling onto psychedelic sundays, and surely also aided by my shop experiences where neil or neil-esque songs are adoringly crooned, i've discovered a sudden hunger to listen and learn more about this fella. and this is how i would want to do it. ok, back to the fantasy...
we'll sink into his weathered leather sofa (which had been left for dead in some alley 6 years earlier) and light a joint, savouring each delicious huff of haze as though agni himself had come down to pour his holy smoke into our gaping mouths. we'll decant decadent doses of cheap red bulgarian wine into mismatched glasses, and then the music will start. moody then electric, wrenching then fierce, i'll be swept through mountains and valleys of the universe of young. when not mesmerized by the lyrics or chords, he'll tell me about the tree house he and his father built when he was 8. he'll tell me about the long conversation he had about jungian philosophy with an old man in vienna. he'll tell me about jessica phelps, with whom he was desperately in love from grade 3 to grade 10, but who only ever thought of him as a friend. and i'll tell him my little stories of delight or horror. and the hours will melt away smoothly until the dawning street lights and our grumbling stomachs tell us that day has stealthily slipped into night.
we'll trundle into the kitchen to throw wilted beauty queens and starchy soldiers into pots, creating a mess of sustenance. we'll toss snow peas at each other, create warfields littered with utensil corpses and savour our frugal feast over wine and laughter.
oh poo. my lunch hour's moments away from being a memory. best to get back to work... well, it's about as far as i'd gotten anyway...
have a glorious weekend my ducklings! don't do anything i wouldn't do...
i'm lost in a day of blessedly mind-numbed tasks after a beautifully but excruciatingly full week. i've gone out every night this week, and it's been all about theatre. without getting into it too much, cuz that's not what i felt like blathering about, i have seen two really good (dare i say great? yes! great i say, GREAT!) plays. if you're in toronto and are into the theatre thing, i absolutely recommend little dragon at theatre passe muraille and trout stanley at factory theatre. absolutely spectacular.
so back to my brain, fuzzy wuzzy brain. i'm smiling stupidly, glazed-eyed and doe-souled, imagining what i wish i could be doing this sunday.
i'll wake up lazily, deep into the morning. out of respect for my schedule, the sky will have spent the morning showering its onlookers, ready finally to don its sun dress as i awake and open the curtains. as i look out onto the still-shiny streets, i'll almost hear the trees and sky breathing a sigh of relief as they towel themselves off, fresh and awake. i'll glide over to the radio and set it to the Q for some psychedelic sunday action, which i've become a little addicted to. who knew there was a psychedelic rocker lurking deep within me? ok, so it's not that much of a stretch...
after a long hot shower (highlighted by a soulful rendition of Kaen's Shower Favourites - now available on k-tel records), i'll gather some essentials and prepare to meet my friend (who as of yet doesn't actually exist - not this particular friend anyway) at some tiny restaurant. somewhere i don't even know about yet, with walls draped in textured wallpaper and grease and populated by smiling, toothless patrons. we'll eat too much food for too little money, and talk about cognitive liberty and the power of hope. we'll make jokes about pop culture while slurping down thick milkshakes. we'll sink into quiet reverie as we gaze at the lumbering traffic.
bellies distended and minds expanded - however slightly on this slow sunday, we'll stroll over to his place. see, he'll have an extensive neil young music collection that i'll be as anxious to discover as he'll be to share. the walk will be quiet as he tries to pick which songs he'll start with, and in which order he'll allow neil to seduce my senses. see, i've never been a neil young fan. not that i disliked him! in fact i've always hated the song "sweet home alabama" (despite its admittedly killer riff) because it insults neil young in favour of redneck ignorance. (grumble grumble) i've just never really listened to all that much neil. well, since stumbling onto psychedelic sundays, and surely also aided by my shop experiences where neil or neil-esque songs are adoringly crooned, i've discovered a sudden hunger to listen and learn more about this fella. and this is how i would want to do it. ok, back to the fantasy...
we'll sink into his weathered leather sofa (which had been left for dead in some alley 6 years earlier) and light a joint, savouring each delicious huff of haze as though agni himself had come down to pour his holy smoke into our gaping mouths. we'll decant decadent doses of cheap red bulgarian wine into mismatched glasses, and then the music will start. moody then electric, wrenching then fierce, i'll be swept through mountains and valleys of the universe of young. when not mesmerized by the lyrics or chords, he'll tell me about the tree house he and his father built when he was 8. he'll tell me about the long conversation he had about jungian philosophy with an old man in vienna. he'll tell me about jessica phelps, with whom he was desperately in love from grade 3 to grade 10, but who only ever thought of him as a friend. and i'll tell him my little stories of delight or horror. and the hours will melt away smoothly until the dawning street lights and our grumbling stomachs tell us that day has stealthily slipped into night.
we'll trundle into the kitchen to throw wilted beauty queens and starchy soldiers into pots, creating a mess of sustenance. we'll toss snow peas at each other, create warfields littered with utensil corpses and savour our frugal feast over wine and laughter.
oh poo. my lunch hour's moments away from being a memory. best to get back to work... well, it's about as far as i'd gotten anyway...
have a glorious weekend my ducklings! don't do anything i wouldn't do...
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
friends
so i was thinking about that thing that friend of mine said the other day, about that guy i dated however long ago. "nice," he said. "but not enough for you." and i'm thinking, well... who is?? well ok, maybe that one from way back when, but then again we also sort of made each other a "little" (ahem) insane, and very, deeply sad for a long time - so i'm going to have to disqualify him.
so really though, what one person is "enough" for me? or for anyone, for that matter. i mean, i'm sure it's not a unique thing for me, but there are just so many mes to be satiated. really - given how many kaens there are on any given day, how could one person possibly assume the grandiose task of being enough for all of them? hell, i've long since abandoned the fantasy of being somebody else's "everything." it's unrealistic and unhealthy. not to mention slightly perverse and intensely megalomaniacal. shit - i'd need 3 lovers just to get through the week, and at least one more to keep up with me on the weekend!
that's what's so great about friends: you can have more than one. in fact, it's sort of encouraged. you really can have a friend for every mood: one for playing scrabble with, one for talking philosophy with, one for dreaming about running a theatre with, one to drink to stupid excess with (actually, there're kind of a lot of those!), and so on... and friends won't get jealous or upset if you're spending time with other friends. they won't pout or throw a tantrum if they catch you on the phone making plans with another friend.
and you can have so many kinds of people as friends! from old men to young girls, fetishists to special-needs teachers, animators to jazz musicians - they're all there for the taking. they can be as diverse as every facet of your wonderful self. back in van, my favouritest parties were the ones i'd throw that brought all my friends together - a room full of fascinating strangers engaged in animated conversations. it would thrill me beyond belief. and i must admit, i'm looking forward to having a big enough place and a large enough gathering of souls i call friends to get some of that action going on in toronto...
and what's more about friends is they can stick around long enough to really get to know you, without being afraid of "how close you're getting." and they can be reliable and there for you, without feeling pressured or constricted. and if you're really really lucky, they can even be fantastic in bed. in the last year, over two thirds of the sex i enjoyed (and pretty much all the good sex i enjoyed) was with friends - and i'll include exes in that, since they'd moved from the horrific "lover" domain to the lovelier "friend" category long before we actually stopped shagging. (actually, all of last year's exes became "friends-with-benefits." except this recent horror show, of course.)
so here's a great big cheer for all the people i'm happy and lucky enough to call friend. thanks for so fabulously and wonderfully pleasuring the many sides of kaen. : )
so really though, what one person is "enough" for me? or for anyone, for that matter. i mean, i'm sure it's not a unique thing for me, but there are just so many mes to be satiated. really - given how many kaens there are on any given day, how could one person possibly assume the grandiose task of being enough for all of them? hell, i've long since abandoned the fantasy of being somebody else's "everything." it's unrealistic and unhealthy. not to mention slightly perverse and intensely megalomaniacal. shit - i'd need 3 lovers just to get through the week, and at least one more to keep up with me on the weekend!
that's what's so great about friends: you can have more than one. in fact, it's sort of encouraged. you really can have a friend for every mood: one for playing scrabble with, one for talking philosophy with, one for dreaming about running a theatre with, one to drink to stupid excess with (actually, there're kind of a lot of those!), and so on... and friends won't get jealous or upset if you're spending time with other friends. they won't pout or throw a tantrum if they catch you on the phone making plans with another friend.
and you can have so many kinds of people as friends! from old men to young girls, fetishists to special-needs teachers, animators to jazz musicians - they're all there for the taking. they can be as diverse as every facet of your wonderful self. back in van, my favouritest parties were the ones i'd throw that brought all my friends together - a room full of fascinating strangers engaged in animated conversations. it would thrill me beyond belief. and i must admit, i'm looking forward to having a big enough place and a large enough gathering of souls i call friends to get some of that action going on in toronto...
and what's more about friends is they can stick around long enough to really get to know you, without being afraid of "how close you're getting." and they can be reliable and there for you, without feeling pressured or constricted. and if you're really really lucky, they can even be fantastic in bed. in the last year, over two thirds of the sex i enjoyed (and pretty much all the good sex i enjoyed) was with friends - and i'll include exes in that, since they'd moved from the horrific "lover" domain to the lovelier "friend" category long before we actually stopped shagging. (actually, all of last year's exes became "friends-with-benefits." except this recent horror show, of course.)
so here's a great big cheer for all the people i'm happy and lucky enough to call friend. thanks for so fabulously and wonderfully pleasuring the many sides of kaen. : )
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